Do it messy and Don’t apologize
We are all put on this earth to share our stories with one another good, bad, and ugly in hopes of gaining more understanding of each other and ourselves.Sharida
| First, I want to say I love my children. I have two kids 1 and 2 years old. I don’t do the thing where you count the months. I stopped that after they turned one and even then, it was a struggle to keep up. One of my various moments of feeling less than a good mom. I chalk it up to not being the best at math. LOL.
I write today because I’m sad and frustrated and excited all at the same time. How you may ask? Well I work a job that I don’t feel is paying me my worth but more disappointingly it is unfulfilling. I kind of wait to live my life once the clock strikes 4PM. I spend my days at work listening to inspirational and motivational podcasts. Some are about faith, some about careers, some about money but the common thread that links them together is “Finding your purpose”. Something I’ve been searching for since 2012.
So, the clock strikes 4PM, I rush out of my work building to my car. Amped! I have all this positive energy and good vibes running through my body. Excited to pick up my kids, get home, and jump on the couch to start working towards my purpose. It’s Friday so husband is in charge of food tonight (Cheers). Then it happens. Mom! Mom! Momma! Daddy! Yes, my daughter calls me Daddy. I believe I confused her by giving her the nickname Momma. That’s a whole other situation.
Back to the scene, the kids are fighting over toy cars and crayons as I’m trying to watch the latest Ted Talk recommended by my podcast of the day. I quickly calm them down so that I can get back to listening. Then it happens again. Mom! Momma! Daddy! No! Stop it! I pause the woman speaking on my Tv to tend to them again. Volume of rowdiness has subdued. As I make it back to the play button on my remote I realize the YouTube presentation I was watching was 12 mins in and I can’t even remember what she was talking about. How?
I then become hit with the feelings of Sadness. Are my kids seeking my attention and I’m neglecting them? Bad Mom. But I want to be the best person I can be for me so that I can be the best for them but is that selfish? They are only young once. You can defer your happiness for a few more years to give them more of you in this crucial time of their lives. But I’m not happy. Mom guilt is real. It is a whole other emotion I did not know existed. For those who know what I’m talking about, I give you hugs. It is an emotion hard to describe to those who have never experienced it. For those who have not, I pray it is something you never feel.
I will not let this moment get me down. You must live for you. I must live for myself. Children learn from example. Life is a series of generational patterns. I want to show them that fighting for your happiness is not selfish that it is brave. Brave because it isn’t the easiest thing to do but your kids will see that becoming your best will allow you to be better for them. Better for others. This is important to me. When the time comes for them to live their young adult lives, I would want them to fight for themselves. Fight to be the best versions of themselves.
I needed that pep talk. Thanks for listening but I will take this time to keep searching for my purpose until I hear the next cries of my newly given name—Momma and Daddy.
Me Advice: It’s not selfish to focus and protect your happy. You can not pour from an empty cup. Fill up your cup with love and happiness (things that bring you joy) so that it can spill over onto those who you need you. Take care of you.
Me Date: Today plan an UNITERRUPTED shower/bath with your fave music playing. Maybe even light a candle to set the mood. (Put this on your calendar. This is a VIP event meaning no one else is invited !)
What are some things you do to fill up your cup? Read a book, Cycling, eat a bowl of ice cream?